No Excuses BBQ » Random Musings

The Incredible Shrinking Limes

zydecopaws — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 21:50:20 +0000

I’m not cooking until very late tonight, but I wandered into the kitchen to check on how the brisket was thawing and discovered that SWMBO had gone to the store and picked up some more limes. And that as small as the last batch was, these were downright tiny. I offer up the following picture as a comparison.

You’ve seen those warnings on mirrors that objects may be closer than they appear? In this case, there should be a warning on your browser that limes may be smaller than they appear on your screen. And there are two bags of them sitting next to the remainder of the previous bag of small limes. There may be some sort of weird math and science experiment going on here that involves multiplication by shrinkage that I’m not aware of.

I’ve since been informed that these dinky limes are Key Limes. All I can say is there better be a pie in my future, especially if I am expected to participate in a miniature lime juicing exercise…

Turns out there is BBQ in London

zydecopaws — Fri, 28 May 2010 18:34:04 +0000

Took a bit of walking, but look what we found.

Don’t skip the Indian-Pakistani-Lebanese food to go to restaurants in London displaying this sign. In fact, don”t pass up the pub grub or even sushi to go there. “There” is a place called Bodean’s, a chain of “American BBQ” restaurants in and around London. “Smoke it slow, cook it low” is their byline, and they claim it is all smoked meat and done in accordance with British Health Department guidelines.

The inside of the restaurant was more than a bit disappointing, especially after looking at their web site pictures. The walls were drab, empty of pictures, and badly in need of a fresh coat of paint. Or maybe some soap and water. It was dinner time, but the place was pretty empty, possibly a result of the open sign being turned around the wrong way. Undeterred by all this (and having walked two miles to get there), we sat down and placed our order. I decided to have a combo plate with 1/4 chicken, 1/2 rack of ribs, and pulled pork. It was served with a side of chips (fries) and cole slaw.

What I got was big plate, small meat servings, and a boatload of fries. As they say in the westerns, “all hat and no cattle”. Or pork and chicken, in this case. If you look carefully you can see the three bites of cole slaw at about one o’clock in the picture. For those of you that grew up in the digital age, sorry about that reference. Go ask your grandparents where one o’clock is in the picture.

In short, the pulled pork was fairly tasteless and required sauce from the table. The sauce choices were Bodean’s house brand, and weren’t bad in spite of being rather on the thin side and not tasting all that different (one was hickory, the other chipotle). The ribs were tiny, but surprisingly good and properly cooked. The meat came away clean from the bone yet left a proper bite mark. About the only complaint I had with them is that like the rest of the meal they were lukewarm and not hot. The chicken was disappointing; no real smoke flavor, small pieces, and rubbery skin.

My wife, brave soul that she is (after all, she did marry me and is still around after 15 years) ordered their “famous” burnt ends.

I will be charitable here and give them the benefit of doubt that these were actually smoked, and not cooked from scratch in a crock pot. We assumed they were cooked much earlier then left in a crock pot or warming tray all day with lots of liquid. My wife took one bite and said they tasted like crock pot meat; I took a bite and had to agree with her. The sauce flavor wasn’t bad, but the meat clearly had that boiled taste to it.

We also had a side of BBQ beans. Seemed like the thing to do…

Not much to look at, but other than an overly tomato flavor the beans were pretty good. So if you find yourself in one of these restaurants and having to order, have the ribs and get a side of beans. Better yet, walk a little further down the street and have some Indian food.

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Don’t expect to get BBQ in London

zydecopaws — Thu, 27 May 2010 20:29:33 +0000

We’ve been in and around (and all over) London for almost a week now, and even though we’ve seen occasional signs of BBQ equipment and something called “BBQ ribs” on tavern and pub menus, I think it is pretty safe to say that any real BBQ is very rare and extremely well-hidden.

This picture should give you an idea of what I am talking about. We went to Greenwich Park earlier in the week when the temperature was in the low 80s.

As you can see from the picture, this is a big park (over 13 acres). We were there most of the afternoon, and spent a fair amount of time wandering around the park. I have the blisters to prove it. We saw one grill in the whole park. Iit was a small cheapie portable reeking of lighter fluid, smoking like you wouldn’t believe, and presided over by two chaps that were attempting to convince their lady friends that they knew what they were doing. One had a spatula that was longer than his arm, and wielded it more like a sword than a cooking utensil. I think he was trying to disperse the smoke so that he could breathe. As near as I could tell, they were sacrificing burger patties and hot dogs, but it could have been hockey pucks and blood sausage based on how it looked from a distance. I would have taken a picture, but I was afraid of being chased by the spatula waver.

I have to give these guys some credit though; at least they were trying, which is more than I can say for the thousands of other folks at the park. We also had a sighting later in the week of a woman carrying a box that had a picture of one of these grills on it, but I have to admit I am baffled by what they are using for fuel as I haven’t seen charcoal of any sort in any of the stores we’ve been in.

Then things got ugly. I had been seeing “BBQ Babyback Ribs” on menus in several of the pubs in town, including the tavern around the corner from the hotel where we had some wonderful steak and ale pie. We wandered into the pub on a night when the ribs were on sale, and I had to give them a try.

Talk about issues with the truth in advertising laws (assuming they have them over here). First, the ribs weren’t barbecued (but then, I was sort of expecting that). They were “braised in a Guinness marinade and served with a honey BBQ sauce” according to the fine print on the menu. This translated into “boiled in beer and served up with some supermarket variety of honey flavored barbecue sauce”. What a waste of Guinness.

The next issue was they weren’t baby back ribs. They were the top end trimmings from a St. Louis cut of spare ribs. The longest bone was about an inch long, and I distinctly remember ordering a “half-rack of ribs”. There were a lot of pieces of cartilage mixed in, and if it wasn’t for the grayish tint to the meat I would have sworn we were in an Applebee’s eating an order of riblets.

Of course the last issue was the texture and taste of the final product. It was overdone, mushy, and fairly tasteless. I suppose I should be grateful that it didn’t taste as bad as some boiled ribs I’ve had in the past.

Don’t feel sorry for us though. We’ve had some excellent meals during our trip, and I’ve picked up some ideas for new spice combinations and styles for when I get back home. Tomorrow we are going to an “American BBQ” restaurant; it’s part of a chain that claims to have a real pedigree and an owner that has won some comps in the past. We’ll see if the hype lives up to the reality.

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Haggis isn’t BBQ

zydecopaws — Sat, 22 May 2010 09:07:46 +0000

The Scots appear to be more than a bit confused about this thing called BBQ. We wandered all over Edinburgh and although we saw more signs of things that might be BBQ than in Dublin, none of them were very reassuring.

The first example of this was on the way to town from our hotel, a place where food should never be ordered and consumed. The hotel, not the place I am about to tell you about. In two separate visits to this hotel we have yet to have anything resembling a decent meal. Not a good example of Marriott hotel restaurants. But I digress…

On our way to town we spotted a restaurant named “Bar B Que”. This was enough to piqué my interest, until closer examination revealed the rest of the name. Pizzeria. And their specialty according to more text on the window? Fish and chips.

Now I know we cook a lot of pizza on Bubba Ho-Keg and try to pass it off as BBQ. But I would never consider opening a restaurant with this sort of name and not have a considerable amount of truly smoked meat to top said pizzas with, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have a deep fryer around for fish and chips. So much for truth in advertising; no BBQ here.

Undaunted, we continued our journey and my quest for foreign Q. The next sighting of BBQ possibilities happened in a Tesco, a scaled-down UK version of Wally World.

This poor little fellow was sitting all by itself next to the bargain DVD display at the check stand. It looked to be one of the cheap Weber Smokey Joe knock-offs, but here it might be BBQ grill royalty. I suppose if a person knew what he was doing he could actualy make some real BBQ on this, but he would have to start by chopping some wood and making his own fuel source as there was no sign of charcoal lump, briquettes, or even Matchlight to be found anywhere in the store. Still no BBQ here.

The last sign of hope was to be found on the Maid Of The Forth, a river cruise ship to Inchcolm Abbey. It appears you can take an evening jazz cruise and have “BBQ by request”.

Judging from what we have paid for food so far, I suspect the optional £6 for BBQ would get you a grilled burger or hot dog with some BBQ sauce on the side. I certainly didn’t see any sign of a smoker or grill on board the Maid Of The Forth, and I doubt they would allow any kind of open fires onboard anyway. Sailors are funny about that sort of thing…

Next stop is London. Although I don’t have high hopes, at least Google searches show that an American has opened up several “American style BBQ” restaurants and scattered them about the city. Who knows, I might find myself in the BBQ restaurant review business sometime in the upcoming week…

Oh, and haggis isn’t BBQ, but it isn’t as bad as it might seem. Although it does appear to be one of those love-hate things; SWMBO took a small bite and made a face of displeasure that led me to believe she is on the “hate haggis” side of that equation…
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The State of Irish BBQ

zydecopaws — Wed, 19 May 2010 13:51:38 +0000

I’d say the following picture pretty sums up the state of BBQ in Ireland, or at least the parts that we were in the past two days.

Not only were they not allowed in the national park, there weren’t any to be seen, and no restaurants featuring BBQ were to be found in the Dublin phone listings or restaurant guides. We did see a single sighting of something referred to as “BBQ Babyback Ribs” on the menu in a pub we visited, but I wasn’t brave enough to order them. We did see another patron with a plate of them; they looked to be a bit on the small size and more than a bit charred. According to the menu they were “cooked on the grill then covered with BBQ sauce. I firmly believe that sticking with the more traditional pub fare (Irish stew, fish and chips, shepherd’s pie) was ultimately the right thing to do.

I’d also like to report that there were no signs of BBQ in Holyhead (Wales) either, although most of our time spent there was in the ferry terminal late at night. We did see a sign in a window that said BBQ, but it turned out to be a butcher shop. We did have some nice pork tenderloin in a spicy cream sauce that gave me some ideas for when I get home though…

Next stop is Edinburgh, Scotland. Anyone know a good way to BBQ some haggis?

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Feeding BBQ to the Troops

zydecopaws — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 01:05:22 +0000

It’s no secret that I like to BBQ for other people. And that I am deeply appreciative of those that serve in our Armed Forces so that I can enjoy all the freedoms we are afforded in this country. I might not agree with the decisions as to where they are sent, but I have an enormous respect for their service to this country. Now if I could just find a way to thank them with BBQ…

It turns out there is a way to do this even though I don’t live anywhere near a military base. Pete Benac, a fellow BBQ fanatic and Twitterholic (@SpiritBBQ) runs an organization called American Spirit BBQ.

American Spirit BBQ is part of a nationwide movement called Operation BBQ. Their mission is to cater military homecoming and farewell events free of charge as a small way of saying thanks for a thankless job. All of this is done by donations. 100% of the money they collect goes directly to feeding the brave men and women of our armed forces. Pete and other volunteers take care of all the cooking and serving of food; no one is making a dime off of this.

The other day we sent them a donation to assist them with their mission and to support what we feel is a worthy cause. I’d like to suggest that this is an opportunity for all of you reading this to do the same. You can find out more about upcoming events on their Facebook page, or go directly to their home page and make a donation. It’s easy, click on the donate button and use either Paypal or a credit card.

Come on, you know you want to. It’s for a good cause, and it is tax-deductible. Give a soldier a plate of BBQ. We don’t ask for much around here and don’t bother you with a lot of ads and other commercial interests, so humor us and go give a few bucks. I know times are tough for a lot of folks out there, but sacrifice the cost of a cup of coffee or two for those that are willing to sacrifice life and limb for your freedom.

I’ll leave you with this quote from Edmund Burke:

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.

We now return you to your regular BBQ programming…

It appears I’ve been doing this all wrong…

zydecopaws — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 02:36:05 +0000

Over the past several years I’ve put a lot of effort into making BBQ what now appears to be the hard way. According to information I received on Twitter today, the following picture details all you need for BBQ Chicken Breasts:

Now I can donate all my grills and smokers to a local charity and clean out all of that silly wood and charcoal from the garage. No need to go outdoors to cook, and I can’t wait to invite some friends over to sit around the crockpot while the BBQ is cooking and drink adult beverages while shooting the bull.

That’s right, it’s April FauxQuers Day, and that is your leg being pulled. And they were out in farce today on Twitter. One tweet in particular caught my eye and gave me something to do in between wiki updates at work. It all started with this one:

Ok, it seems that use of a crockpot excites some of these folks, so much so that they confuse something that requires cooking with real flame and smoke with boiling meat in sauce. I attempted to clear up the confusion.

It appears that a short comment while repeating part of what they said was a bit too obscure for this in-duh-vidual.

So now it was time for a more direct approach. Notice that I was still attempting to be polite; some of these FauxQuers get their feelings hurt when you attempt to educate them and do things like report you as being “inappropriate”. Clearly they’ve not seen what happens during the #bbqcomedyhour (another Twitter phenomenon).

In spite of this effort, her response made it pretty clear I wasn’t getting my point across.

Ok, so maybe she doesn’t want to use all the extra characters when tweeting. I figured I would offer up a more appropriate term for her to use.

Maybe this was just a case of ignorance rather than a FauxQuer being obstinate. Her next tweet led me to this conclusion.

Yep, a clear case of ignorance, not one of those FauxQuers that knowingly boil their ribs in sauce and expect us to believe the results are even remotely as good as what comes off the smoker. I sent her off to visit DRs BBQ Manifesto in the hopes that her ignorance could be cured.

I haven’t heard back from her since, however her tweets since then indicate heavy drinking after dinner and promises of sexual acts for her husband. I’m guessing both were necessary to make up for the boiled chicken in BBQ sauce…

Wordless Wednesday

zydecopaws — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 15:25:33 +0000

Hell must have frozen over…

zydecopaws — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 02:08:09 +0000

After holding out for as long as possible, we now find ourselves on Facebook with our very own fan page. For those of you out there that prefer to get your dose of outdoor cooking from this particular form of social media, you can find us here. We’ll still be posting here in order to make sure everyone is able to enjoy the experience we call No Excuses BBQ.

If you like what you see on the Facebook page feel free to become a fan, enter in the discussions, or simply dig through whatever nonsense we end up posting on the page. If not, we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Or navel contemplation. Or whatever…

Real Crockpot BBQ

zydecopaws — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 23:12:49 +0000

It is an unfortunate reality that there are a lot of folks out there that seem to think putting barbecue sauce over some meat and rendering it into “fall-off-the-bone” compost in a crockpot all day is somehow something that can be called “barbecue”. Sorry folks, that is FauxQue and doesn’t even closely resemble what real barbecue is all about. Never mind that “fall-off-the-bone” is another name for “over-cooked”, you essentially boiled your meat, not cooked it over flame and smoke.

In spite of this, I’ve been wondering lately if perhaps I have been too hard on the crockpot crowd and set out to see if I could find a real crockpot barbecue. An exhaustive search of Google images led me to believe that such an animal did not exist, so it was up to me to take one in the name of science and waste a Saturday creating the prototype crockpot barbecue.

After making the rounds of the local thrift stores, I had the necessary materials to begin. First off, a large crockpot with removable crock and glass lid. No way plastic is gonna hold up to higher temperatures…

Ain’t she a beauty? You gotta love the pictures of all the veggies. I suppose they show the names for those in the crockpot crowd that have trouble identifying them. I have to ask though, if these are suggestions of foods that can be cooked in the crockpot, what the heck is leaf lettuce doing on there?

Back to the science experiment. While at the thrift store I happened across another FauxQue cooking tool, an electric grill. Which just so happened to be about the same size as the crockpot, so it solved a few other challenges I was concerned about (like where I might find a grill to fit on the crockpot properly).

The FauxQue grill gave up the important parts without so much as a whimper. The drip pan should work as a diffuser for low-and-slow.

And with a little bending and twisting, the grill fit pretty well once the crock was removed.

You’ll notice that the crockpot has a little hole in the bottom. This solved my concerns about airflow to the charcoal from below, although it did require me to take some extra precautions when it came time to fire it up. As a further safety precaution I removed the cord so that no one would be tempted to plug this in at any time during the process. Or ever again for any reason.

Now it was time to cook something. What better to break this in with than some more FauxQue fare: soy burgers that some health-conscious person snuck into the freezer and hid behind all the meat.

I fired up about 20 or so blue-bag Kingsford in a chimney. No sense wasting some good lump for this effort…

In went the coals; just enough to cover the bottom of the crockpot.

Since these things have burger in their name the diffuser was left out and the FauxBurgers went on the grill directly over the coals.

A couple of minutes later they were flipped. Funny looking grill marks if you ask me…

Apparently FauxBurgers aren’t made to be grilled over a flame. The looked like cardboard coming off the grill and tasted worse. Neither the kids nor the dog would eat them, and the dog isn’t exactly known for her sensitive palate (she’s been known to eat poo). They even left a nasty cardboard-looking mess on the grill.

So much for FauxQue, now it was time to test the low-and-slow capabilities of the crockpot grill. What better to test it with than MOINKebabs?

A few more coals were added, and in went the diffuser. Can’t have that bacon dripping right over the coals…

On went the MOINKebabs. MOINKebabs are essentially MOINK balls on punji sticks; todays were sprinkled with a combination of mesquite grill seasoning, Cajun seasoning mix, and some red chili powder. (I was out of rib rub.)

On went the lid, a handy Weber aluminum drip pan from stock on hand.

The MOINKebabs were left on for about two hours before they were ready to be sauced. I was concerned about the temperature at the grill, so I measured it with the Thermapen about an hour into the cook.

As you can see, we pretty much achieved normal smoking temps; part of the reason this took so long was all the heat escaping from all the air gaps and taking the lid off every 15 minutes to check on things. At the two hour mark, it was time to sauce the MOINKebabs.

Rather than waste good pepper jelly on these, I went with some off-the-shelf SBR that I found in the refrigerator. There have been some odd smells coming from the crockpot BBQ during the cook, and we may have encountered some toxic fumes along the way. If I have to ditch the MOINKebabs in the name of public safety, no sense in putting the good stuff on them…

I have to admit, they came out looking pretty good.

They didn’t taste bad either, but they weren’t as good as those with the pepper jelly. I noticed the kids complained a bit, but then went back for seconds. I get the feeling the dog won’t be getting any of these. The only thing left to do now is clean up…

So there you have it, real barbecue cooked on a crockpot. Look close, because it might be the only time you’re ever going to see something like this. Not that you would want to again anyway…